Wednesday, February 29, 2012

One Douche for the Recordbooks

There once was a boy on my floor. I never particularly cared for this gentleman, but his brash sensibilities, combined with his eternally aggressive demeanor did no favors for him in my book.

He made it a weekly habit to blast "music" out his door. One may liken his cacophony to that of a flurry of fire alarms, lacking coherence, cadence or any real rhyme or reason to exist. But scratch that, unlike dubstep, fire alarms have a purpose, and that is to save lives.

The size of his ego exceeds any modern device's range of measurement capability.

This young man lived his life so blatantly full of ignorance. He was full of himself, demanding, close-minded, immature, destructive and stood for the absolute antithesis of compassion. He did nothing but to cause himself enjoyment, humor, comfort and little to nothing to positively impact anyone else ever. He kicks inanimate objects, runs into walls and yells unendingly.

How this young man managed to attract a cult following of friends? I know not! Perhaps it is that those who decided to become his disciples lacked a life beforehand. I mean, after all, they do nothing but obsess over video games and scream at their televisions on a more-than-regular basis. The ring leader's anger seems infectious in that regard. He's managed to mold the minds of the losers he has culled after all.

In fact, these losers socialize with no one outside of their very exclusive group, and behave like seven-year-old boys at day camp. So they lack the ability to step outside of this tightly-knit group.

They go in only one person's room, so they lack creativity.

They do nothing but senselessly scream and shout, so in that sense, they are hyperbolic.

They are nothing more, nothing less than extremely, unbearably, intangibly, unimaginably intolerable.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Words from a Man I Once Knew

A wise man once told me, "No one's going to pay you to stand around being beautiful". That's why I pose in front of people when they're trying to take a picture. Afterward, I usually ask them for $15, but I try to be a nice guy and offer a free signature and say I won't charge tax. They typically yell at me, but I offer to flex, then they call the police.

That's right. I was a cop once. No biggie.

Beards!

male model

Beards. They're hella popular lately. They make you look intense. Look at the gentleman above. He has a purpose... and that's to GROW BEARDS!

Top 5 Ways to Pick Up Chicks

1. Spike Your Hair in Ridiculously Conspicuous Ways -- so as to be recognized

2. Wear Sunglasses -- douchey pro-tip, aviators work the best, RayBands are making a breakthrough, while Oakley's are a surefire way to pick a honey up

3. Get RiiiiPED! -- Look as much like the Jersey Shore crew as you possibly can

4. Use Words like "hella", "chill", "lettuce", "hang", "bro-man"

5. Be As Self-absorbed as possible -- let the world know how important you are by flexing as much as possible as you knock other people around you over

Top 5 Douchey Video Games

1. Call of Duty: Black Ops

2. Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2

3. Call of Duty: World at War

4. Gears of War 2

5. Call of Duty: Modern Wafare 3

Call of Duty, with its millions of sales tops this list for its mainstream, dude-bro appeal. Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 follows for the way it ramped up to Black Ops' success. While World at War is in third just because. Gears of War 2 is in fourth for its chain-sawwing fanbase that is anything but kind, hence douchey. While Modern Warfare 3 gets last for the scant details about it.

Hello All

Hello fellow d-bags, this is Flammen in the house. Douchestyle will be your one-stop location for all things DOUCHE. Fashion tips, tips getting involved in the fashion industry, to dos, to don'ts, behavior recommendations, sandals, glasses, dance styles, moves, douchey cars, trends, movies, video games, music, and most importantly, how to pick up chicks.