Top 5 Douchiest Cars

Ever been butted out of line by a douchebag at your local autoshow? What about challenged to street race? I have.

Cars do attract a fair number of douchebags, who can be seen at these infamous auto shows, or occasionally ricing around town in a modestly beffed-up Civic. The Top 5 Douchiest Cars mean which cars are the most widely known and/or liked exclusively by cocks?

You see, douchebags don't care to update their car knowledge on a yearly basis, so as a result, they fall back on cars that they only know from Need for Speed games. Otherwise, douchebags would have no knowledge of cars whatsoever. Douchebags are the antithesis of connoisseurs. They know nothing but what bodywork a car has, what color it is, that it is "cool" and their pathetic selves will never be able to afford one.

Let's find out which one's douchiest.

5. R32 Nissan Skyline

Whether it's from 2 Fast 2 Furious, or the Need for Speed series, this car is primarily sought after because of its reputation. Douchebags don't know that it's all-wheel-drive, that it has twin-turbochargers or hell, they probably don't even know that it's Japanese.

4. McLaren F1

This car probably doesn't rank as highly as it would ten years ago, when it was one of the fastest road-going production cars ever and was at the peak of its relevance to douchebags everywhere. This is because within recent years, it has virtually shifted off douchebags' UDR (short for Ultra-Douchey-Radar), which is known to recycle every two to three years and for reasons unknown, has a nasty habit of thinking about Megan Fox constantly.

3. Lamborghini Gallardo

The Lamborghini Gallardo finds itself in third place primarily because its fans are so douchey in fact, that they cannot even spell, nor pronounce its name. As a Lamborghini, it is especially to rapstars and all the douchebags who wish they were. A car is especially douchey the more recognizable it is among douchebags.

2. Lamborghini Murciélago

The Lamborghini Murciélago gets the second spot because of how recognizable it is to IQ-depleted douchebags who stop at nothing to in fact do nothing but admire its "pretty color." Notably, the Lambo is known to get into frequent car crashes by overconfident-and-not-so-skilled-celebrities-with-oversized-egos.

1. Bugatti Veyron 16.4

The undeniable victor of this is the Bugatti Veyron, for if you choose to stop at a red light, douchebags will be provoked to pant, urinate themselves and erratically take photos like a Japanese tourist seeing the Statue of Liberty. Douchebags envy this car for its top speed, know nothing about it (that it is made by Volkswagen, or that it is all-wheel-drive) other than it can hit speeds in excess of 200mph and that it has mad-dope cred among rappers, yo.

The Douche Culture

The douche culture on my floor forces the members of this highly exclusive club to speak in deep voices, and of overly masculine things, such as, their implausible exploits with women that will never come to pass.

They never shut up.

I want to go over there, and tell them;

Shut up,

Be quiet,

Could you please be more annoying?,

You are the loudest people on the floor,

No one likes you,

You're lame,

You have an ego the size of a giraffe during mating season,

The size of your muscles are not reflective of your intellect, nor your charisma.

But only when I manage the courage to tell them this will these fools realize how much I despise them.

One Douche for the Recordbooks

There once was a boy on my floor. I never particularly cared for this gentleman, but his brash sensibilities, combined with his eternally aggressive demeanor did no favors for him in my book.

He made it a weekly habit to blast "music" out his door. One may liken his cacophony to that of a flurry of fire alarms, lacking coherence, cadence or any real rhyme or reason to exist. But scratch that, unlike dubstep, fire alarms have a purpose, and that is to save lives.

The size of his ego exceeds any modern device's range of measurement capability.

This young man lived his life so blatantly full of ignorance. He was full of himself, demanding, close-minded, immature, destructive and stood for the absolute antithesis of compassion. He did nothing but to cause himself enjoyment, humor, comfort and little to nothing to positively impact anyone else ever. He kicks inanimate objects, runs into walls and yells unendingly.

How this young man managed to attract a cult following of friends? I know not! Perhaps it is that those who decided to become his disciples lacked a life beforehand. I mean, after all, they do nothing but obsess over video games and scream at their televisions on a more-than-regular basis. The ring leader's anger seems infectious in that regard. He's managed to mold the minds of the losers he has culled after all.

In fact, these losers socialize with no one outside of their very exclusive group, and behave like seven-year-old boys at day camp. So they lack the ability to step outside of this tightly-knit group.

They go in only one person's room, so they lack creativity.

They do nothing but senselessly scream and shout, so in that sense, they are hyperbolic.

They are nothing more, nothing less than extremely, unbearably, intangibly, unimaginably intolerable.

Words from a Man I Once Knew

A wise man once told me, "No one's going to pay you to stand around being beautiful". That's why I pose in front of people when they're trying to take a picture. Afterward, I usually ask them for $15, but I try to be a nice guy and offer a free signature and say I won't charge tax. They typically yell at me, but I offer to flex, then they call the police.

That's right. I was a cop once. No biggie.

Beards!

Beards. They're hella popular lately. They make you look intense. Look at the gentleman above. He has a purpose... and that's to GROW BEARDS!

Top 5 Ways to Pick Up Chicks

1. Spike Your Hair in Ridiculously Conspicuous Ways -- so as to be recognized

2. Wear Sunglasses -- douchey pro-tip, aviators work the best, RayBands are making a breakthrough, while Oakley's are a surefire way to pick a honey up

3. Get RiiiiPED! -- Look as much like the Jersey Shore crew as you possibly can

4. Use Words like "hella", "chill", "lettuce", "hang", "bro-man"

5. Be As Self-absorbed as possible -- let the world know how important you are by flexing as much as possible as you knock other people around you over

Top 5 Douchey Video Games

1. Call of Duty: Black Ops

2. Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2

3. Call of Duty: World at War

4. Gears of War 2

5. Call of Duty: Modern Wafare 3

Call of Duty, with its millions of sales tops this list for its mainstream, dude-bro appeal. Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 follows for the way it ramped up to Black Ops' success. While World at War is in third just because. Gears of War 2 is in fourth for its chain-sawwing fanbase that is anything but kind, hence douchey. While Modern Warfare 3 gets last for the scant details about it.